Q: Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers ? A: The outside!
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing?" The parrot replies, "In France, there are millions of them!"
This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says, "I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!" The guy says, "OK" Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy answers, "Yeah, that's right, we went and had a very nice time. We're going to the beach today!"
Murphy's Law of Tree Anatomy: There are 2 sides to a tree - the side towards you and the side the bird is on. Murphy's First Law of Birding: The greater the time spent searching for a rarity, the greater the chances it will be sitting on you car when you return to the parking lot.
Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird. They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other... "On average, he's dead!" they cried! The mallard continued his migration.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the counter. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door. A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and walks out. A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck smiles and walks out. Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"
Judge: young man, it says here you shot and killed a California Condor. How do you plead? Defendant: Guilty your honor. Judge: GUILTY!? Don't you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all. Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we're so poor. Judge: That's no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like? Defendant: It's real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane!
A farmer buys a new cockerel, it races around servicing the hens. It seems insatiable. The next day the farmer sees it hop over the fence and start on the ducks and geese. The day after it services all the turkeys and so it goes on. A week later the farmer finds it lying in the middle of the yard apparently dead. He walks over to it, and the cock winks at the farmer. He asks the cock what its doing and it puts one wing to his lips and points into the sky and says - Shush, I'm waiting for those vultures to land!
A student who has been taking an incredibly gruelling ornithology class comes in for the final identification exam and finds that the professor has set out the legs of different species of birds for them to identify. This is the last straw as far as the student is concerned and they proceed to storm out of the classroom proclaiming "That's it! I refuse to take this exam!" The professor upon hearing this calls out to the student as they are storming out the door "Hey you! What is your name?" The outraged student (chuckling) pulls up their pant leg and replays "take a look at this leg and you tell me!"
It seems the United States' FAA has a unique device for testing windshield strength on airplanes. It is a gun that fires a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at about the same speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the impact, it could survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British wanted to test the device on a new highspeed locomotive they are developing, so they borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken, and fired. The bird not only shattered the windshield, but also went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The stunned Brits asked the FAA to re-check the procedure to see if they had missed something. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and came back with just one recommendation. "Thaw the bird out first."
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